I’ve wasted so much of my life believing that my entire worth was summed up in what people saw when they looked at me. And being fat therefore meant I was worth nothing. It meant that all of my thin friends and siblings were automatically better than me, that they were what people wanted. It meant that my dreams of acting or being a famous musician were impossible. Society likes everything big, its cars, its houses, its wallets, but not its women.  

 After years of being ignored began to give up. The only place I was happy was with my family and the few friends who treated me as equals, in my own world where I shut out everything negative about society and its standards that I didn’t measure up to. When a handsome guy walked by I automatically believed that he was not interested. You begin to accept the way society treats you and believe that you aren’t good enough because you’re not thin, or pretty. You listen to the bullshit people say about how easy it is to lose weight, people who are thin and have always been thin and have no fucking idea how PAINFUL it is on every single human level to be fat in a thin world, people with no empathy or understanding.

For a while there, I was almost convinced. Almost.

But over years of intense introspection I began to say, you know what, FUCK that. No one is going to tell me what I’m worth. The entirety of who I am is absolutely NOT defined by what I look like. And I don’t want to know or be around anyone who thinks that of me or anyone else. There is so much more to a person. SO much more. Its ridiculous to measure a person’s value based on something as uncontrollable and meaningless  as how they look. Once I began to realize this, I became happier. It helped me sift through all the bullshit people and ideas that we’re subjected to daily. It helped me see what really matters in life.

I don’t see myself as a victim. Society and the people in it who believe in the bullshit that thin and pretty equals value are the victims. They are the ones missing the point that what really matters is not what is seen, but in what is felt. In what is learned and enjoyed. They are the ones missing out, not me. 

I am 19 years old. I am 5 feet, 10 inches tall. I’m a Pisces. Music is my life. I play guitar, piano, and I sing. I paint. I love to draw. I love to read. I love film. I love swimming. I’m a makeup artist. And one day, I hope to be an actress. I’m messy. I hate doing dishes, but I love doing laundry. I bite my nails. I say yellow is my favorite color, but I think it actually might be blue. I find crooked teeth to be attractive. I like guys with long hair. I thinks brown eyes are beautiful. I like people with weird quirks and talents. And LEAST important of all, I’m fat. I’m 228 pounds and shrinking.

Who are you?