Submitted by: anonymous
Submitted by: chocolateplasteredwalkinghazard
Submitted by: kittykissesgirls
I’ve been battling with this for quite some time now and, I’m ready to put all of my emotions out there and hopefully gain some connection to those who’ve been through something like this. My name is Briana, I’m 5’6” and I weigh 274 pounds.
When I was 6, my mother put me on my first official diet and, from then on, it’s been an uphill battle of fighting what seems to be the inevitable. It’s a constant cycle of her finding a new diet (this time it’ll be easier Briana! Just put the effort forth), giving me a big and grandiose speech about how we’re going to work ‘together’ to lose the weight, both of us using the new program for a few months, her deciding that she’s done and binge eating, and then me following in her footsteps because I have no choice since she stops buying the diet food. In between all of this my mother always makes comments about my weight, my looks, my ‘laziness’, and my dedication. And it hurts.
I’ve self harmed for about the past four year because I just could never, and really I still can’t, accept the idea that I’m okay the way I am. Mostly because I’ve never been told by my mother that I’m fine the way I am. It’s always, “Your eyes are so beautiful, but your cheeks are a little round.” or, “Don’t worry we’ll get the weight off before Prom so you can look beautiful in your dress.”, and finally “You’re gorgeous Briana! You just need to lose some weight and you’ll be happy.”
I’ve struggled through depression, anxiety, OCD, and insomnia for years now and I’ve kept it all bottled inside of me until around November. I walked up to my mother and showed her my scars, my cuts, and my pain. I refrained from telling her about my mini-battle with bulimia because I didn’t think she could handle it and I was able to overcome that myself a few years prior. While she was upset, of course, she couldn’t risk pointing the blame to herself. I told her that I hate myself, I told her that I purposefully walk certain ways so I don’t accidentally see my reflection, I told her that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that it doesn’t even feel like me.
Her reaction was, “Obviously this is because of your weight! We’re starting a new diet tomorrow.” And thus, the cycle started again. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long and while I definitely want to lose weight, I don’t want to do it for these reasons. It feels wrong to force this upon myself when I’m still battling so many other demons and I’m terrified that if I do manage to shed some pounds it’ll send me into a horrible remission. I never feel like I’m good enough for her and it’s reached it’s boiling point.
I’m not afraid to say this, I hate my mother. I love her because I have too but, I hate her for what she’s done. I hate her because I can’t even tell her about any of this because she’ll spiral out of control and put the blame on me while simultaneously making it about her. This has all come to a head in the past month and I’m doing my best to skate by. I’m going to college in a year so, hopefully I can manage. I’m still on the diet and I can already feel a sort of remission beginning, and not because I want it. Because my body is so preconditioned to punishing itself when these things occur. I’ve lost my appetite completely, I’ve been taking a surplus of vitamins and pills to upset my stomach so I don’t want to eat, and I only consume anything at dinner because my parents are both around.
A majority of this submission was to vent, as well as finally lay all of my cards out on the table and hopefully finds someone that understands me. My mother always asks me who my hero is and she scolds me when I don’t say it’s her. But how could she be my hero when one of my only goals in life is too never become her? So my question, pulled away from all of this emotion is, When does it stop becoming motherly love and start becoming bullying?
Submitted by: underwearisoptional
Submitted by: agony-in-her-body
Submitted by: meinfatkampf
I posted this because I post all submissions and I understand where this person is coming from, but I feel like everyone should feel comfortable shopping at any store they want to buy clothes from, regardless of size. We can’t help that plus size clothes are so cute!
This is less of a problem and more of a moment of win and I wanted to share it with you guys, since you would understand.
I’m in my late twenties, but go shopping with my mom fairly regularly, since we’re both plus size and we live together, so we may as well, right? Well, we had a stack of those Real Women Dollars things from Lane Bryant, so we went there yesterday. While she was trying on a pair of jeans for a trip to Vegas in March, I was wandering around when I remembered about a dress that I’d seen on their website while bored-browsing one day. I went to see if they had it, and if it was in my size.
LAST ONE IN MY SIZE IN THE WHOLE STORE.
I tried it on and just… It was one of those moments that I rarely ever get when I try something on at the store and I don’t want to change a thing about it, I just want to be like that gif of Fry from Futurama and be like “TAKE MY MONEY”. I stepped out of the dressing room to show my mom, who also liked it.
When I got changed again, the clerk who’d been helping us out (we were trying to find a pair of boots, which they did not have, so she’d called a few other stores to see if they had them, no luck with the boots) told me that she thought the dress looked awesome on me. I’m sure she was just trying to make sure I bought it, but I already thought it looked great and was not letting go of it.
Then she asked if I was planning on getting Spanx.
I do not like Spanx or other “shaping” garments. Most of my weight is carried in my midsection, so, really, where’s it going to go? That whole nonsense about it “pushing it into your boobs”? Yeah, not on me. It just makes a giant muffin top. Besides that, I find shaping things to be an enormous hassle, as well as demeaning, restrictive, and just a huge pain in the ass in general. I’d rather be comfortable and happy and able to laugh and eat and run around and take my clothes off without worrying about it.
So I told her the truth. I told her that I Jiggle and no matter what, I’m going to jiggle, so why spend $65 on a thing I’m almost never going to wear because I find them useless and uncomfortable? She just laughed and gave me a high five.
And then I bought the dress, which is now hanging in my closet. The only problem is that I have nowhere to wear it! Maybe I’ll invite some people over for New Year’s Eve and have a little party, just so I can wear it soon.
This is the dress. I’ve never had a lace dress before, since I never found one that looked right (most lace things I’ve found in my size are ruched, and with my weight being mostly in my belly, the ruching becomes flat).