Sometimes, no matter how much I dislike myself, I force myself to take a picture. Messy hair, in bed, no make-up, and yet I still like it. I like this picture and I’m not ashamed of who I am and especially not the size I am.
I’ve been battling with this for quite some time now and, I’m ready to put all of my emotions out there and hopefully gain some connection to those who’ve been through something like this. My name is Briana, I’m 5’6” and I weigh 274 pounds.
When I was 6, my mother put me on my first official diet and, from then on, it’s been an uphill battle of fighting what seems to be the inevitable. It’s a constant cycle of her finding a new diet (this time it’ll be easier Briana! Just put the effort forth), giving me a big and grandiose speech about how we’re going to work ‘together’ to lose the weight, both of us using the new program for a few months, her deciding that she’s done and binge eating, and then me following in her footsteps because I have no choice since she stops buying the diet food. In between all of this my mother always makes comments about my weight, my looks, my ‘laziness’, and my dedication. And it hurts.
I’ve self harmed for about the past four year because I just could never, and really I still can’t, accept the idea that I’m okay the way I am. Mostly because I’ve never been told by my mother that I’m fine the way I am. It’s always, “Your eyes are so beautiful, but your cheeks are a little round.” or, “Don’t worry we’ll get the weight off before Prom so you can look beautiful in your dress.”, and finally “You’re gorgeous Briana! You just need to lose some weight and you’ll be happy.”
I’ve struggled through depression, anxiety, OCD, and insomnia for years now and I’ve kept it all bottled inside of me until around November. I walked up to my mother and showed her my scars, my cuts, and my pain. I refrained from telling her about my mini-battle with bulimia because I didn’t think she could handle it and I was able to overcome that myself a few years prior. While she was upset, of course, she couldn’t risk pointing the blame to herself. I told her that I hate myself, I told her that I purposefully walk certain ways so I don’t accidentally see my reflection, I told her that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that it doesn’t even feel like me.
Her reaction was, “Obviously this is because of your weight! We’re starting a new diet tomorrow.” And thus, the cycle started again. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long and while I definitely want to lose weight, I don’t want to do it for these reasons. It feels wrong to force this upon myself when I’m still battling so many other demons and I’m terrified that if I do manage to shed some pounds it’ll send me into a horrible remission. I never feel like I’m good enough for her and it’s reached it’s boiling point.
I’m not afraid to say this, I hate my mother. I love her because I have too but, I hate her for what she’s done. I hate her because I can’t even tell her about any of this because she’ll spiral out of control and put the blame on me while simultaneously making it about her. This has all come to a head in the past month and I’m doing my best to skate by. I’m going to college in a year so, hopefully I can manage. I’m still on the diet and I can already feel a sort of remission beginning, and not because I want it. Because my body is so preconditioned to punishing itself when these things occur. I’ve lost my appetite completely, I’ve been taking a surplus of vitamins and pills to upset my stomach so I don’t want to eat, and I only consume anything at dinner because my parents are both around.
A majority of this submission was to vent, as well as finally lay all of my cards out on the table and hopefully finds someone that understands me. My mother always asks me who my hero is and she scolds me when I don’t say it’s her. But how could she be my hero when one of my only goals in life is too never become her? So my question, pulled away from all of this emotion is, When does it stop becoming motherly love and start becoming bullying?
This is less of a problem and more of a moment of win and I wanted to share it with you guys, since you would understand.
I’m in my late twenties, but go shopping with my mom fairly regularly, since we’re both plus size and we live together, so we may as well, right? Well, we had a stack of those Real Women Dollars things from Lane Bryant, so we went there yesterday. While she was trying on a pair of jeans for a trip to Vegas in March, I was wandering around when I remembered about a dress that I’d seen on their website while bored-browsing one day. I went to see if they had it, and if it was in my size.
LAST ONE IN MY SIZE IN THE WHOLE STORE.
I tried it on and just… It was one of those moments that I rarely ever get when I try something on at the store and I don’t want to change a thing about it, I just want to be like that gif of Fry from Futurama and be like “TAKE MY MONEY”. I stepped out of the dressing room to show my mom, who also liked it.
When I got changed again, the clerk who’d been helping us out (we were trying to find a pair of boots, which they did not have, so she’d called a few other stores to see if they had them, no luck with the boots) told me that she thought the dress looked awesome on me. I’m sure she was just trying to make sure I bought it, but I already thought it looked great and was not letting go of it.
Then she asked if I was planning on getting Spanx.
I do not like Spanx or other “shaping” garments. Most of my weight is carried in my midsection, so, really, where’s it going to go? That whole nonsense about it “pushing it into your boobs”? Yeah, not on me. It just makes a giant muffin top. Besides that, I find shaping things to be an enormous hassle, as well as demeaning, restrictive, and just a huge pain in the ass in general. I’d rather be comfortable and happy and able to laugh and eat and run around and take my clothes off without worrying about it.
So I told her the truth. I told her that I Jiggle and no matter what, I’m going to jiggle, so why spend $65 on a thing I’m almost never going to wear because I find them useless and uncomfortable? She just laughed and gave me a high five.
And then I bought the dress, which is now hanging in my closet. The only problem is that I have nowhere to wear it! Maybe I’ll invite some people over for New Year’s Eve and have a little party, just so I can wear it soon.
This is the dress. I’ve never had a lace dress before, since I never found one that looked right (most lace things I’ve found in my size are ruched, and with my weight being mostly in my belly, the ruching becomes flat).
I’ve been big since I was 7 and I’ve been bullied because of my size, I hated my self for a while. I did diets starting at 8. At 15 I didn’t want to do it anymore I didn’t want to change and I wasn’t unhappy because of it, it was because of other people that I felt the need to look like them because they made me feel like it was wrong. Now I’m 18 and 250 lbs I want to lose some weight because I don’t feel healthy and I’d like to be able to go into shops and just buy a pair of jeans and know that they’ll fit me. It’s really hard to get into a mind set where you feel ready to make a lifestyle change but I think it’s impossible unless you love your body no matter how big small or curvy it’s always going to be beautiful.
i just wanted to say something. earlier that person asked if this blog was real, and then they said more hurtful things. after i read that i literally felt like crap all day. ive been battle something for about a year now. my doctor said my body is basically going through menopause because i have these cysts inside, outside my ovaries, and they found one in my fallopian tubes. im 21 years old. my hormones are out of whack i have no control of my emotions or weight. i work out so much sometimes i get really sick from not eating while busting my buns. when i started to feel sick with bad cramps the doctors told me basically “oh youre too heavy cramps should die down if you eat right” so in the beginning i used to jog 6 miles a day use my home gym and did p90x like a pro. in a year nothing changed. ive been debating on a hysterectomy because i cant do this anymore. and i more so i cant deal with all the pain because i love my size!
when i read that post this morning asking if we are real i almost cried. people judge and they dont even know. why is it that people can believe a skinny person can eat whatever they want, not work out and still be a twig, but they cant believe a chunkier person working out all day long eating right with no results? its a double standard.
i was really hurt. but now i realize i let some anon ruin my perfectly good day. and i am actually happy being size 16, with my big old lady lumps. im 21 on the way to 22. i live my life i actually have a lot of boyfriends, boys do love us girls! and sometimes i like to take promo pictures for my favorite dance clubs because they like my look and not the skinnier girls. i drink i have fun. i live my life and honestly i do not judge others. and i got to thinking, the odds of that anon being over 18 is very low. lol probably still listening to the parents and having a curfew. but i dont know for sure because i will not judge even though others judge me. its just sounded like the voice of an ignorant teen who doesnt know any better.
i love this blog so much. i love love love olive. but props to stella too! thank you guys for helping me get through a tough year.
My name is Sasha and I’ll actually be eighteen years old this month. And I should mention that I’m not female or male, I don’t identify with any gender. But I figured I would submit this because it might help someone else.
From the time I was able to eat solid food my father had been teaching me bad eating habits, that is to say, I’d eat the food my mother gave me which was healthy and in a good moderation, and then my father would take me on his lap and feed me half of his plate. He endorsed my eating disorder my entire life, giving me lunch my mother would pack him for work when he didn’t eat it, creating the idea that portions that were four times what one should probably eat, were okay to eat. It got to the point where in first grade I weighed a hundred and ten pounds. I kept growing through life, my mother struggling to keep me on a diet and the diet failing when I would sneak into food even when I didn’t really want to. Around sixth grade I hit my all time low (and not in weight) I laid in my room all day after school, I never went outside or did anything and the dysfunction in my home life didn’t help, it made it all worse. I also suffered mental abuse from family members, cast out of their little cliques due to deeply rooted vendettas from my childhood that people who should have been mature adults never let go, and therefore treated me bad to make up for the crimes another committed. In my adolescent years all of this was fuel to the fire and I only got worse. Around fifteen I began to discover who I was deep down, and I pulled myself out of the ashes per say. The path was slippery and though my B.E.D didn’t get better, understanding that it wasn’t my fault that it was there and that it was an actual addiction and disorder healed a lot of the emotional wounds it caused. I’m seventeen now, soon to be eighteen and I’ve started on the larger and longer path to not being better, because the reality is I’m perfect to me. But getting healthier. And the main thing I’ve learned on my journey is to not try and live up to the standards of what others believe beauty is. /YOU/ have to live with you at the end of the day. Don’t think skinny, think healthy. I’ve often thought about just not eating at all and that isn’t the answer, and it gets you no where. I’m six feet and five inches tall and weigh about five hundred pounds. I am in every sense of the word “Big.” I have a big heart, a big mouth and a big voice. But I’m also a million amazing things no one can take care of me because I’m living for me at the end of the day, not someone else’s idea of who I should be. Only a handful of people are roots to your tree, don’t hang onto the words of a leaf because they fly away while your in the same place, changing constantly but holding onto what they said because you didn’t know better. Be you, be proud of that, and remember that FALLING IS A PART OF THE JOURNEY. Deciding everyday after every slip to stand back up and keep going is how you make it. Life may seem like hell, but if you are going through hell, keep going. And love yourself. Because there is a whole great big future waiting out there for you, you just have to get to it. And it’s as fabulous and wonderful as you always dreamed.
-Sasha Matthias Owens
I don’t use the word “Fat.” Simply because people make it a hateful word. I’m plump, it’s positive and it sounds fun. I’ve always been plump, and have been bullied for it. But when I see that people are embracing it and showing how proud they are, it makes me feel welcome and a part of something. When I see this blog I can’t help but feel proud of myself for being plump. Thank you so much for helping me believe in myself :)
I didn’t know if to put this here or in the ask but anyways. Im 18 years old, 5’3 and around 200 pounds. Ive been heavy most of my teenage years and both my parents have/are heavy and I have a few close friends who are around my weight. I use to hate how I looked, and I would hide myself in over sized sweaters, and jeans, or just hide away in my room by myself. I developed very bad depression and that made my weight issue get worse and it gave me a horrid image of my body, but Ive come to love my body more then I use to. With the help of my mum and my best friends and some doctors.. I know think that Im beautiful. Fat or thin, I can do and be whatever I want to. I think that girls nowadays are shoved in the face with so many posters and ads about being skinny as a twig and that’s not right. No matter how ‘fat’ or ‘thin’ you are, always love yourself. :) Look at the good things about your body. When I use to look in hte mirror after a shower, all I would see was my too big eyes, my tiny lips, how my thighs touch too much, how my tummy looked, how the fat in my arms jiggle when i shake them, and how pale and pasty I am. But now when I look in the mirror I see, the long brown hair, the nicely shaped nose, the just right eyes for my face, how my waist dips in to give me an hour-glass shape, how my skin is the right shade for me and id look weird tan. I stopped dwelling on the bad and started picking out the good things about myself. :3 More girls need to do that. Just stand in front of the mirror, look past all the ‘ugly’ things you find about yourself and turn them into good things. If you can do that, you’re on the right path. I no longer hide away in my room, or in my over sized clothing, which makes me feel good about myself even that much more. So yeah.. that’s all I have to say and I really hope that this helps all the beautiful ladies who look at this blog. :D
Always love yourself more then you love someone else!
All my life I’ve been the “bigger girl”. But I’ve always been involved in athletics up until the end of my last soccer season during my senior year of high school. From 4 to 18 years old, every season I would be playing or training for some kind of sport. When I was younger, it was a rotation of soccer, basketball, tennis and volleyball. Athletics helped me maintain myself although I was still deemed ‘larger’. In basketball, I was given the center position, the position consistently filled with bigger or taller girls. In soccer, I was put on defense and in later years I became more of a goalie, in both of those I was used for my size and knowledge of the game. I may not have been able to out run my opponents, but I knew the game so well that I was able to position myself to where I could defeat them.
Even with all those sports in my life, I still gained weight, not so much that it had gone unnoticed but enough to where I realized something wasn’t entirely right.
I’m now in my second year of college, it’s been almost two full years since I’ve had any sports in my life. Without sports, I’ve gone from being 5’6” and 180 lbs, to still 5’6” but at 226 lbs. If I had still been doing something active, I would probably still be under 200, but more than 180. My family has a history of larger women, and dieting and regular exercise are all that we could do…or at least I had though until 4 months ago.
Remember how I said I had subconsciously known that something wasn’t ‘right’? Well, 4 months ago, I started working with a trainer several times a week. I worked hard, so hard. I ate healthy. I wasn’t losing weight. I kept ranging between 226 and 222 lbs during a 5 week period of this. But I was doing all the right things, right?
Wrong. Finally one day my dad told me I should call my doctor to have a blood test done. I didn’t understand. He told me that my Great-Grandma, my Grandma, his sister/my Aunt, and two of my older women cousins all had thyroid problems. I had my blood tested and my thyroid levels were very low, which meant I had a Hypothyroid.
Hypothyroidism effects lots of stuff, but especially your metabolism. My doctor started me on some medication and immediately I saw results. Within one week of taking my medicine daily, working out daily, and eating healthy, I made it down to 219 lbs. I broke the 220 lbs mark, I hadn’t been under 220lbs for over a year. A month ago I went back to the doctor’s for a check-up. My levels were still low, so they upped my dosage.
I have days where I’m super comfortable with my body, and other days I’m not. I love this tumblr because of all the support I see constantly about loving your body no matter what size everyday. But I also think that the knowledge should be out there about thyroid problems. A lot of people have it and don’t realize they do.
If you are a larger girl, and you’ve honestly (and when I say honestly I mean that you’ve worked hard for it) put the time in to lose weight and you don’t see results, then maybe it’d be a good idea to make an appt with your doctor to have your thyroid levels tested.
Same goes for skinny or thinner girls. I have a close friend who has a hyperthyroid, which means her metabolism is too high. She wants to gain weight to be healthier, but her body doesn’t let her. So if you know someone with the same issue, mention it to them.
A few months ago I made a vow to better watch my eating, I was about 155lb at 5’4, which may not be very heavy, especially since I’ve curvy, but I wanted to feel better about myself. By cutting down my fast food, switching from soda to water, and watching my portions, I dropped 15lbs over the summer. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, I even tried doing outside activities with my friends, also giving me a great tan. I just wanted everyone to know that little changes can make all the differences and share some encouragement. Things can change guys!
I know this isn’t a picture submitting blog, but this is in reply to #775 I believe. You can dress up like any Disney princess you want, you’ll still look just as fabulous as anyone else. I personally love Ursula though, so I chose to dress up as her last Halloween. If I wanted to be a princess I would have, and I would have felt just as fabulous as I did while dressing up as Ursula. Don’t let your size limit you to anything. <3
I’m not a fat shamer, I think all bodies are beautiful, yet I could never be happy with mine. I could look at girls bigger than me and go ‘oh she’s so pretty’ and then stand in front of the mirror scowling at my fat self and wishing that I wasn’t such a fat, ugly cow.
I tried so very hard to lose weight. I don’t eat chocolate, or crisps, or cake. I don’t drink soda or pepsi; the only sugary drink I’ll have is a glass or two of juice. I eat fruit and vegetables and wholegrains and lean meats and drink green tea twice-three times a day to try and improve my metabolism. I also take tablets to make it impossible for me to overeat.
I’m a very keen martial artist and do intense training which involves heavy cardiovascular fitness and resistance training because, to be a brown belt as I am, one has to keep their fitness in top shape! I walk a lot of places.
One might’ve thought that, doing all of that would keep me thin, right? Wrong. I’ve got thick bones and thick, heavy muscle (i’ve always been more muscular than most females my age even before i began martial arts training), UNDER a layer of jiggling fat. I’m not even sure how much I weigh but I think it’s somewhere around the 13 stone mark, I’m 5”6 and eighteen years old.
My doctor told me that, unless I want to start doing intense cardiovascular activity every night which may be detrimental to my muscles (particularly as I have a weak ankle after I dislocated it 2 years back), I must simply accept my lot in life as a fat chick.
But then last night…I was wearing my usual clothes, an incredibly baggy man-sized XL tshirt to hide my fat and a contradictingly short, flouncy skirt, my grandmother (who’s always tried to tell me there’s nothing wrong with my weight because I’m healthy) remarked that I appear to have lost weight. And then later, my partner (who actually says he doesn’t want me to loose weight but will love me and be attracted to me all the same) said exactly the same thing.
MY WEIGHTLOSS ATTEMPTS ARE FINALLY PAYING OFF AFTER 2 HARD YEARS!!
I am so proud that results of my extensive work are finally showing. I hope this post provides inspiration to anyone else trying to drop some weight the healthy way (i.e not depriving their body of nutrients) that may be having the same lack of results as I was. Don’t give up!
And to all the ‘plus size’ girls that’re happy with and proud of their own bodies…I have so much respect for you, and your beauty <3
I’m 16 years old, to start off the post, and teens today really aren’t accepting of larger people. But I’m so lucky to have the friends that I do and the family that I do, because I really don’t know where I’d be without them.
When I was in 2nd-6th grade, I got teased by other people pretty often, including a 4’ 8” kid.( I don’t know how he had room to pick on me… but he did?) and in 7th grade, I was finally done with everything people were pushing on me. I was always a jean and t-shirt kind of girl, but that started to change, because I started to change. I started to love myself. I’m not sure what really triggered me loving myself, but it doesn’t matter that much to me. But I walk around my high school, and I get compliments on how confident I am, how beautiful I am, how people like my clothes. I would never change myself. It sounds silly, but I really don’t think I could live my life any other way. I’ve always been the fat chick, but that’s never really bothered me. I love being myself, and I will never stop for anyone <3 Because I’m beautiful, just the way I am, and no amount of high school bullies will ever be able to top my self respect and my confidence. You should always be able to love you, because you don’t get do overs. You get one shot to live your life, and you can live it any way you want. I love me. and I love you all too. Never stop being yourselves, kay lovelies?
All my Love! <3
I saw a problem on here the other day that kind of made me upset to see. It was something about not feeling like your able to join in on conversations about sex and relationships. I know how that feels, to feel like no guy (or girl) will every want you because you’re classified as plus-size (my friends and I call it plus-sexy). Or even thinking that you’ll have to settle for a partner that YOU aren’t truly attracted to.
I just wanted to let all of the Sisters out there know that there ARE men and women out there who think that full sized girls are sexy. My boyfriend wouldn’t date a skinny girl if he was paid to. Three of my guy friends are the same way.
NEVER feel like you have to change yourself to get a partner, and NEVER feel like you have to settle. You ARE beautiful, just the way you are. Someone will find you to be absolutely perfect. They will find you to be sexy, beautiful, cute, gorgeous, breath taking; just like all of you are. If someone doesn’t like you because of your weight, be it a friend or a partner, I have one bit of advice. Get rid of them. No matter how much you care about them, if they aren’t okay with you the way you are, then they aren’t worth it.
You’re all beautiful. Every single person reading this is perfect. You just need to realize that and become confident in yourself. THAT is what will solve a lot of problems for you. Not losing a few pounds, but accepting those pounds and accepting yourself.
Hi, I found this youtube series called Big Girl In a Skinny World and you get fashion tips and places to shop if you’re curvy like us. I just wanted to give you guys the link as it is an interesting series for me at least. I hope you’ll share it with the others.